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Let’s face it. Dating is the ultimate spectator sport. Whether you’re married, single, playing the field, or you just really like your body pillow, you’ve observed yourself and the people in your life traipse through the minefield that is modern romance. Blindly stumbling across the gridiron of love is just like football; if you don’t know what you’re doing, you’re gonna get hurt. We here at Spectavius live to serve the needs of our readers and recognize the dearth of competent editorial in this area. To right this incalculable injustice, we give you The Fonte Blog.
Author’s Note: If you’re not already, you should be listening to Public Service Annoucement by Jay Z. If you are broke and without an iPod, think iTunes is a fascist enterprise, or aren’t a Jay Z fan, then just humor me and sing the song in your head.
Allow me to reintroduce myself, my name is...
Fonte.
I am not a romance expert. I am simply a survivor. A person who has fought in the trenches, waded through the swamp, and secretly airdropped behind enemy lines in the endless war that is dating. I’ve seen and done a lot of things, only some of which can be recounted in this space. I will use this experience to help you navigate through the dating world. In this column, you will receive my honest, no BS take on all things dating and romance related. If you follow my rules, heed my warnings, and keep your head down, you may just make it to the other side unscathed.
Maybe.
I promise nothing.
Fonte’s Essential Guide to Wingmanning
My friends, the sacred art of wingmanning is dying. This vital player in the pursuit of romance is an endangered species in the jungle of love. The skyrocketing divorce rate, the internet dating boom, the sub-prime mortgage disaster. All these things can be blamed on the decline of the modern wingman. But do not fear, Fonte is here to revive this lost art. Enjoy.
What is a wingman?
A wingman is a person of the same gender who aids you in your quest for romance.
Why do we need them?
Because starting conversations with random strangers is just plain awkward. The presence of a wingman tells the girl or guy you’re trying to woo that there’s at least one other person on the Earth who can stand you. Which is one more than he or she thought before.
What does a wingman do?
The specific functions of a wingman will be covered a bit later, but in general they help break the ice, keep the conversation going, make sound decisions when you’re unable (read: drunk), and pull the ripcord when necessary. They perform these tasks in the hope of providing you with a wonderful evening, full of fun and phone numbers.
In what situations is a wingman valuable?
The short answer is every situation. Applying for a bank loan, performance review at work, hard labor in a Siberian work camp. There are few situations in life where having a buddy to ease your nerves and throw in a few jokes wouldn’t be welcomed. However, for the purposes of this column, we’ll stick to situations where you are out, at a party, in a bar, or even on a date. These are a wingman’s bread and butter.
There are three basic situations that you and your wingman may encounter:
2-on-1 Two guys, one girl
2-on-2 Two guys, two girls
2-on-many Two guys, any number of girls in a single group
Most of the following rules apply to all the above situations. Any exceptions will be clearly outlined, so please continue reading with the knowledge that afterwards, you will be fully equipped to perform any and all wingman duties, should you be called into service. Good luck.
Rule #1 It’s not about you
This is the mantra of any good wingman. You have to approach each situation thinking not of yourself, but of your buddy. Let’s be very clear: two men cannot wingman each other. The roles need to be clearly defined, or you’ll just end up competing with each other. So if you choose to be the wingman, your romantic needs are on hold.
Rule #2 Always have a game plan
This should happen during pre-game at the house, cab ride to the bar, or over the evening’s first drinks. Find out what the goals are for the evening because this will affect your approach. If you’re buddy wants to meet a nice girl, get her phone number, and begin the long walk down the aisle, then you should plan accordingly. You’ll steer him away from drunk girls who slam the bar with their hand after shots, have excessively raspy voices, yell for no reason, or wear skirts/dresses so short you’d definitely see more than you bargained for if you bent over to tie your shoe. If on the other hand, he wants to make out in a bar with a stranger, lead him directly to those girls, and grab a bar stool that’s a safe but reachable distance away. You don’t wanna get any (insert word here) on you. During this planning session, you should learn his preferences. Tall, short, blonde, brunette, redhead, college-educated, GED, etc. Next, you need to find out his weaknesses. This will point to the areas where you can be of greatest service in the night to come. Lastly, and most importantly, have a safety word. This should be a word not hard to slip into casual conversation that will signal the need to leave immediately.
Rule #3 Introductions are everything
The role wingmen are most often asked to fill is ice breaker. As mentioned before, it’s extremely hard to introduce yourself, start and maintain a conversation, date, marry, and divorce a total stranger all on your own. That’s why it’s always best for the wingman to make an introduction.
You don’t have to come on strong. There’s no need for a line, and there’s no need to offer to buy a drink. Women have noses for game like bloodhounds. Those approaches are tired and played out. Just introduce yourself, shake hands, clink glasses, and introduce your buddy. That’s it. Either they’ll engage you in conversation and drinking or they’ll throw your advance into the fourth row like Dikembe Mutombo in his prime. Since most women are conflict adverse, the former will happen far more than the latter. And even if they’re just being polite and aren’t interested, the longer you can talk without being sleezy or overbearing, the more interested they’ll become.
*Exceptions: In a 2-on-1 situation, your buddy needs to introduce himself. The handoff is not an easy move to pull off and should not be attempted by a novice. In a 2-on-many situation, seek out the most friendly-looking girl. This will facilitate meeting the entire group.
Rule #4 Dead Air = Dead Meat
Think of yourself as a coal shoveler on a train. When the conversation starts to lose steam, you stoke the fire. This doesn’t mean you’re dominating, it just means you’re there to interject with a joke, compliment, or change of subject when necessary. Steer the conversation towards your buddy’s strengths. Keep him away from divisive or rant-inspiring subjects.
*Exceptions In a 2-on-1 situation, once you’ve gotten the conversation going, you’re a ghost. Don’t leave the bar, but get outside of visual range.
Rule #5 Always Be Selling
In a great sales pitch, very few of the words are encouraging the customer to buy. Instead, the salesman gets to know his customer, talks about things they have in common, finds out what the customer is looking for, and simply gets them to say the word yes. They don’t have to say yes to buying, they just have to say yes to something. The same is true for the wingman. Every word out of your mouth doesn’t have to talk your buddy up. You just have to talk enough to find out what she wants, her gameplan. Then convince her that your buddy is what she’s looking for. She doesn’t have to say “Yes” to liking him, loving him, or wanting to have his children. She just has to say yes to something. Another drink? Another bar? Food? All of these questions ask simply, “Wanna spend more time in the company of my friend?” A yes to any one of these, and you’re golden. She’s not necessarily going home with him, but he’s getting her phone number. As the wingman, you don’t always have to be the one to ask these questions, but you must make sure they get asked.
Rule #6 Be Unavailable
One of the most common pitfalls of wingmanning is attracting women inadvertently. That’s why it’s important to get it out of there upfront that you’re unavailable. If you’re married, have a girlfriend, or a communicable disease, that’s great. If not, make something up. Anything is fine as long as it get’s you off the market and put’s your buddy in the spotlight. Don’t make it weird or off-putting. This will just cause them flee, and your wingmanning adventure will be over before it started.
*Exception In the 2-on-2 situation, it is permissible to flirt with the girl your buddy isn’t after, so long as your witty banter doesn’t affect your wingmanning duties. In the 2-on-many situation, you may find often that you attract a girl yourself, just through excellent wingmanship. Again, this is allowed as long as this pursuit doesn’t distract from your primary goal.
Rule #7 Know when to pull the rip cord
This rule applies to conversations and to evenings as a whole. If you sense a conversation isn’t going well and the girl(s) aren’t feeling it, don’t be afraid to move on. Not everyone is gonna like you or your buddy. Meet as many women as you can in a given night. And when that night is over, shut it down. If you’re buddy is too drunk to stand, speak intelligently, or order his burrito, it’s time to go home. Going home empty handed is not a loss; it’s the sign of a truly great wingman. There will always be another night, so scarf some food, tell some jokes, and get some sleep.
The wingman experience, if done right, should be almost as enjoyable as being wingmanned yourself. If you’re married, have a girlfriend, or have resigned yourself to living with multiple cats, wingmanning might be the highlight of your week. Stick to these rules, and you’ll never go wrong. Remember, free burritos are delicious.
-Fonte
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