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Here's is our real-time game commentary of last night's game. All times Central.
8:35 TBS shows footage of both teams’ celebrations. Beast Mode vs The Snake. They’re not exactly Cowboy Up, but definitely better than that damn Rally Monkey.
8:37 Corey Hart is the biggest leadoff man I’ve ever seen. Pretty decent beard/mullet combo though.
8:43 D-Backs already down 1-0 on an RBI double by Braun. This could be a long night.
8:44 I’m surprised ESPN didn’t pick Prince Fielder to strike a pose for its Body Issue.
8:45 Braun steals third as Fielder walks. TBS had just shown us a graphic on how few runners steal successfully on Saunders. Best in the NL. Thanks TBS, keep that stuff to your selves, and stop trying to jinx Arizona.
8:50 Randy Wolf has a personal catcher. It has to feel pretty awesome to be directly responsible for another person’s Major League employment. I wonder if Randy messes with him, and treats him like a butler. I mean the guy only works behind the plate every 5 days. He has time on his hands. “Hey buddy, go fetch me a latte.”
8:53 Fielder catches a ball near the first base dugout. I get the feeling that’s the farthest he’ll run tonight. Announcers praise the D-Backs’ first base coach for getting out of the way. I don’t think he was in any danger of being run over by Fielder. Kind of an Austin Powers standing in front of the bulldozer situation. “Noooooooooo!”
8:56 Upton walks and the Diamondbacks have a chance to answer in the bottom of the first.
8:57 Bases loaded for last night’s Grand Slam hitter.
8:58 I love Chase Field simply for the fact that there aren’t seats directly behind the plate meaning there’s no asshole on his cell phone waving to his buddies. I’ve said this before, but I’d pay money to see a ball fouled straight back to come through the netting and drill that guy in the mouth. “Dude, I have to let you go. I’m bleeding from the mouth.”
8:58 The announcers let us know that the D-Backs lead the league in Batting Average with the Bases Loaded and have hit a Grand Slam in their last three home games. Goldshmidt promptly strikes out. Clearly Conan is a Brewers fan because TBS is doing all it can to screw Arizona.
8:59 Another Grand Slam hitter, Roberts, steps to the plate. So many tattoos, he looks like he should play in the NBA. Except he’s short and white.
9:00 The clock strikes 9 and GRAND SLAM!!!! I can’t believe it! Wolf threw a meatball on the inner half and Roberts put it the left field bullpen! D-Backs up 4-1.
9:02 AND IT’S GONE!!! Back-to-Back homers in the bottom of the first. D-Backs came to play tonight. Young hit that ball about 420 feet and looked as though he was volleying with his grandma on a tennis court. Almost no force in that swing at all.
9:04 TBS doing there part to get the jinx back on track. D-Backs are 83-8 with a 2 run lead this season. That statistic officially frightens me. It’s abundantly clear I’m a Tony Romo fan. No lead is safe until it’s in the books. 1st inning over. Diamondbacks lead 5-1.
9:05 I really dislike Jimmy Fallon. He’s throwing money around on screen for Capitol One. I wouldn’t go see him even if he was throwing money at me while laughing at his own jokes.
9:09 Yuniesky Betancourt and his bright red bat hit a double to the right center wall. The bright red bat seems very Little League to me. Did that bat come with a pack of bubble gum and a Jonas Brothers’ CD?
9:12 Brewers score a run on a tapper to the right side. This game is far from over.
9:13 I love the pitcher vs pitcher at-bats. There’s more on the line than a normal at-bat. You don’t want to exert yourself, but at the same time you don’t want to get embarrassed.
9:14 Saunders gets out of the inning. I can’t tell you how refreshing it is to watch a pitcher work as quickly as Saunders does. Having spent most of last week watching the Yankees-Rays and Red Sox-Orioles, it’s really a great change of pace. I’m still emotionally scarred from the last day of the season. I had all four of the Wild Card games going both on my computer and tv thanks to picture-in-picture. I put in the work and watched every pitch. Almost five straight hours of baseball. My wife sat down just in time to see Papelbon blow it, and Longoria hit that home run. I hated her for that.
9:15 Saunders walks to start the second inning. If Tony LaRussa was the D-Backs manager, he’d pinch run for him.
9:19 TBS trying to justify Randy Wolf’s personal catcher. Yes, yes all pitchers are complicated. Apparently they hang out at Wolf’s house in the off-season. I’m not far off with that butler thing, I’m telling you.
9:20 Randy Wolf apparently lives in Slash’s old house in LA. An address is the only thing these two men could possibly have in common.
9:22 Wolf throwing his slow curve a lot. Not a good sign for his making it more than 3 or 4 innings. Already up to 50 pitches as Upton reaches on a comebacker that Wolf kicks with foot.
9:24 Wolf can’t be feeling too great about his clumsy display. D-Backs need to take advantage with 2 on and 2 out.
9:25 Montero hits a broken bat fly to left to end the inning. Why do I get the feeling this moment will come back to haunt Arizona?
9:26 How much did Fiat pay J Lo to do this terrible commercial? $2 million? $3 million? Someone should tell Fiat that the Ven Diagram of people influenced by J Lo and people aware that Fiat makes cars has no intersection. None at all.
9:28 Saunders needs a 1-2-3 inning.
9:29 Saunders gives up a single to my new favorite Brewer. Blonde Hippie Jesus aka Corey Hart.
9:30 Saunders’ Postseason record: 3 starts, 0-1 record, ERA of 5.40 and a WHIP of almost 2. Right after I look this up, he gives up another run. 5-3 D-Backs and no outs. Where’s the Tequila Cart?
9:34 My wife and the Spectacat are locked in a heated battle to see who can care less about this game. The Spectacat is winning narrowly, but my wife is clearly pacing herself.
9:36 Fielder swings as though he could actually hit a ball through the roof of Chase Field. I really hope this doesn’t happen tonight.
9:37 Great crowd in the building tonight. Getting behind Saunders as he gets Fielder to fly out. Collective exhale both here in my house and in Phoenix.
9:38 From TBS: Saunders induces the most double plays in the NL. Probably about to give up a three run homer. Team CoCo must really hate the D-Backs.
9:40 Saunders is laboring like Eddie Harris in Major League. Time to put some Crisco on the ball and get some more drop on his curve.
9:42 Another Red Bat! The Brewers’ moms must shop at the same Super K. Saunders gets three straight pop outs to end the inning. Pitch count comparison Wolf 56 – Saunders 54
9:46 D-Backs lead off with a hit and stolen base by Paul Goldshmidt. With the exception of the first batter of the game, every leadoff man has reached base.
9:47 Signs for Roberts read “Tatman”. Can we do better than that? No? Alright Tatman it is. Way to go Arizona. Immigration legislation and nicknames. You’ve got those markets cornered.
9:49 If the D-Backs and Cardinals both pull out Game 5’s, I will be the happiest man on the planet.
9:50 Randy Wolf throws an 86 mph pitch. The announcer calls it a fastball. I laugh while drinking and get water in my nose. Damn you Randy Wolf. This must have been your plan all along.
9:51 Arizona fans have red pom-poms to shake. All I can think is, at least they aren’t Thunder Sticks. The Angels are really taking a beating in this column.
9:54 The D-Backs pull Saunders back for a pinch hitter with 2 on and 2 out. If they don’t score, this decision might shape the rest of this game. Didn’t I joke about overmanaging an inning ago? Did Tony LaRussa take the Concord to Phoenix or did he just Skype with Gibson in the dugout?
9:56 The D-Backs roll the dice and LAND ON FREE PARKING!!! Two runs in, 7-3 D-Backs, on Cowgill’s single. I know that the Free Parking-Pile O’ Money thing isn’t a real monopoly rule, but it’s awesome, so shut up monopoly purist. I’m gonna build a No-Tel Motel on Park Place and name it after your mother.
10:00 So the game will come down to the bullpens (assuming the Brewers pull Wolf before the fourth.) That is a scary proposition.
10:01 Micah Owings on to pitch. He keeps the leadoff man on base streak alive at 6 by giving up a single.
10:03 Wolf is indeed done for the night. Starting pitchers’ combined lines: 6 innings, 13 hits, 10 runs. Way to go boys.
10:06 Owings working at a glacial pace compared to Saunders. I’m gonna be up way past my bedtime if he keeps throwing over to first like this.
10:07 Gomez steals second. Thank God. Hopefully Owings will relax and just pitch.
10:08 Living outside of the Pacific time zone sucks. Props to Arizona for realizing that Daylight Savings is crap and just refusing to do it. It’s meant to help farmers, but you know who doesn’t care what time it is? Farmers. They get up before sunrise, and goes home at sunset. They don’t even need to own clocks. For the rest of us, there’s nothing more depressing than getting out of work when the sun is already down. Am I right? I never thought I’d say this, but screw you Ben Franklin. Owings gets out of the inning without giving up a run.
10:14 The leadoff man on base streak comes to an end as Hill flies out to deep right. Hill has been great since coming over from Toronto. Definitely the best Canadian import to Phoenix since they stole the Winnipeg Jets and named them the Coyotes.
10:15 Another broken bat for the D-Backs. Maybe they should switch to the red Super K brand. Maybe one of the Brewer’s Moms has a coupon. Montero on at second with a double.
10:16 First and Third with one out. D-Backs poised to score again. The Spectacat is asleep and my wife is on glass number two of red wine.
10:17 My wife asks what the deal is with the necklaces that all D-Backs seem to have on. I lie and tell her they’re Navajo Twine Circles worn for luck. She seems to buy this.
10:19 The Twine Circles fail as Roberts flies out to center to end the inning. Arizona has stranded 5 through 4. Why am I writing that? I guess I’m preparing myself in case of a meltdown.
10:23 Big inning for the D-Backs with the meat of the Brewers’ order coming up. If they can get through this unscathed, the rest of the game looks bright. Braun and Fielder scare me more than I can put into words.
10:24 Braun hits a ball that’s a homer in most parks, but Upton gets under it easily. 1 out, top of the 5th.
10:25 This game is competing with a copy of The Help for my wife’s attention. Fielder hammers a double. She goes back to her book.
10:27 Fielder’s head first slide was impressive as his knees never actually touched the ground. He was buoyed by his girlish figure. He looked like a normal guy lying on top of rubber exercise ball. Owings closes out the inning with no further damage.
10:31 Chris Young strikes out on a nasty off speed pitch. Estrada has the most robotic delivery ever.
10:33 Owings gets an at-bat, and should pitch again in the top of the 6th. Any time a reliever goes more innings than normal, I get Byung-Hyun Kim flashbacks and the shakes. Curse of being a D-Backs fan.
10:37 Gibson pulls Owings for call-up Jarrod Parker. What was the point of having Owings bat if he wasn’t going to pitch? I know Owings is a good hitter. But good for a pitcher.
10:38 This is only Parker’s second Major League game. That’s disconcerting. We pulled Owings for this guy? 2 on, 1 out. My wife asks if I’d like a drink. Drinking, typing, and cheering can only lead to a stained couch, so I pass. For now.
10:43 Bases loaded, one out. Gibson acknowledges his mistake and pulls Parker after only a third of an inning.
10:46 You have got to think that a double play here, and the Brewers might fold. Blonde Hippie Jesus up to bat.
10:47 Hippie Jesus misses a game-tying Grand Slam by about 8 feet. 7-4 D-Backs on Hart’s deep sac fly.
10:48 Milwaukee strands 2 in the top of the 6th. Milwaukee is getting they’re runs one at a time. The D-Backs are scoring in spurts. I have a feeling the D-Backs might need another spurt before this tortoise-hare race is over.
10:54 Blonde Hippie Jesus gives awkward chase to a foul fly ball but can’t come up with it. He just looks like he’s playing the wrong sport. Aaron Hill makes the Brewers pay with solo shot to left. 8-4 D-Backs. FTJ for Milwaukee. What am I doing? I promise I’m not trying to jinx Arizona.
11:01 Conan has on Flavor Flav tonight. Apparently its 2004. My only hope is that visiting the Wikipedia page for The Surreal Life just now will be the most depressing thing I do this month.
11:03 I would like to see Brian Wilson’s beard fight Prince Fielder’s beard. My money’s on Wilson’s beard assuming it comes back from injury. A report out of San Francisco today said Wilson will have off season surgery to repair damage to his beard. The Gimp couldn’t be reached for comment.
11:05 The D-Backs have their first 1-2-3 inning. The announcers are unenthused. Maybe one of them is Bernie Brewer’s brother-in-law or something. That’s the only way to describe their apathy towards Arizona leading this game. Maybe they’re tired and don’t want to do Game 5.
11:09 The Spectacat walks across the entertainment center, sniffs the Brewer’s pitcher on the TV screen and shakes his head. Is this a good omen?
11:10 Apparently Bull Durham was loosely based on Paul Goldshmidt’s minor league career. Oh wait, time is linear, right?
11:14 How great would it be if the whole baseball watching world was focused on the AL East on September 28th and they were all eliminated by October 7th? Go Tigers!
11:15 D-Backs 10-4!!! Chris Young hits his second home run of the night into the left field seats. That’s the fourth homer for Arizona, and the first multi-homer game in D-Backs postseason history.
11:18 The Brewers shaky infield defense rears its ugly head here in the 7th as Parra reaches on the error by Weeks. Young’s homer may have broken them. The Brewer’s change pitchers, so I can watch Jimmy Fallon again. Awesome. He’s talking to a baby who promptly throws a fire extinguisher at him. That baby read my mind. Very spooky.
11:26 Brewers get a lead off single and a line drive home run by Gomez to make it 10-6. Arizona will definitely see Braun and Fielder again in the 9th or sooner.
11:30 Randy Wolf’s personal catcher still in the game. He might be Greek. Kind of looks like Uncle Jesse’s bearded little brother.
11:31 Hernandez catches him looking at a great breaking ball for the first out of the 8th.
11:32 Apparently Mark Kotsay is still alive and playing baseball. He grounds weakly to second, which brings up Blonde Hippie Jesus, who has hit the ball hard every time he’s been up.
11:34 In the words of Pedro Cerrano, “Blond Hippie Jesus no help with curveball.” Hart goes down swinging on a breaking ball in the dirt to end the top of the 8th.
11:39 Hallady vs Carpenter in Game 5 of the other NL series should be a classic duel.
11:40 Another pitcher for the Brewers. The teams, combined, have used 10 different pitchers so far. Good thing there’s a day off before Game 5. Again, I promise I’m not trying to jinx the D-Backs.
11:43 Hill flies out to right. The only way to describe the way Blonde Hippie Jesus moves is lolloping.
11:44 Upton grounds out to third. He has only two hits in the series thus far. The ricocheted ball he took to the head in last Tuesday’s game may have affected him more than he let on.
11:46 The announcers mention they wouldn’t want to head to the concession stand if Goldshmidt was up. I agree, although I’m heading to the Tequila Cart when Braun and Fielder come up in the top of the ninth.
11:48 Saito drills Goldschmidt on the arm. I would love to see somebody rush the pitcher in a playoff game. Twitter would explode. You know, if people cared about baseball. There are more people tinkering with their Fantasy Football team right now then watching this game. If you’re like me, you might be doing both.
11:50 Apparently this game is going to barrel right past midnight. It’s like they have no idea I have stuff to do tomorrow. Further proof that no one is watching on the East Coast except players’ mothers and Bud Selig. OK maybe just the moms. Roberts pops up to short to end the eighth.
11:52 It’s true! Guiness Black Lager does exist! I cannot wait to taste it.
11:53 The wife has called it a night and gone to bed. The Spectacat has been asleep for twenty minutes.
11:54 Putz is not my first choice name for a closer. Actually, it’s not my first choice name for anyone with immense responsibilities.
11:55 I’m really just praying Putz doesn’t put the leadoff man on in front of Braun and Fielder. Just throw strikes big guy.
11:56 Lead off walk to Hairston. Balls. I have a paper bag on standby just in case the worst should happen, and I begin to hyperventilate. I keep telling myself we can give up a home run to both Braun and Fielder and still win.
11:57 Braun flies out to center!!!
11:58 Yes the exclamation points were necessary.
11:59 Fielder has been booed every time he’s come up tonight? Did he eat the entire crowd’s lunch or something? I’m deathfully afraid that Fielder will homer as the clock strikes midnight.
12:00 No homer yet. Hairston takes second on fielder indifference. Thank you baseball scoring. I really need to understand the fielder’s state of mind during any particular play.
12:01 Fielder bounces out to second!!! One out to go.
12:02 Lots of red pom pom waving as Goldshmidt catches the final out in the Brewers’ dugout. Putz gets the save as the D-Backs win 10-6.
12:05 Chris Young and Tatman have giddy smiles in the postgame interview. The camera pans to a dejected Blonde Hippie Jesus.
The D-Backs scored a ton of runs in these two games. Hopefully they can carry this confidence with them to Game 5 Friday night back in Milwaukee. It’ll be a rematch of aces as Kennedy looks to avenge his Game 1 loss to Gallardo. Thanks for reading our real-time game commentary. Check back with us after Game 5.
The Beast has been bitten.
I’m not proud of that line. I’d take it back, but it’s past my bedtime, and the Spectacat ate my delete key.
The Bandwagon rides on. Go D-Backs!
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