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Devouring Hannibal

Written by Ryan Weisert

Editor's Note: Summer is nearly here. Basketball season is nearly over. It's time for the Spectavius pendulum to swing back to movies and TV. Please accept our sincerest apologies those of you who read this site for stuff ofther than sports. We promise this summer will not let you down.

Hipster Menu Description (HMD) of Hannibal: The bad guy from Casino Royale, Morpheus, cruelty-free radicchio, Mr. Claire Danes, Prosciutto, murderous dream sequences, Top Chef-quality cannibalism, emmenthaler, and absolutely no fava beans or chianti.

2013 Academy Awards E-mail Exchange

Written by Ms. MCD and Ryan Weisert

Editor’s Note: Discuss movies and Hollywood for long enough, and the Oscars are inevitably brought up. Though motion picture is an artistic medium, the Oscars are a way to keep score, rank one piece of art over another, and ultimately settle arguments between movie fans. In honor of this yearly cinematic scoreboard, Spectavius had our resident lady of leisure, Ms. MCD, and Editor-in-Chief Ryan Weisert exchange e-mails during the ceremony. The following are the highlights from their conversation. Enjoy and as always, scroll over content underlined in red for additional commentary.

Seth MacFarlane’s Opening

Ryan Weisert: Alright it's Oscar time. I think the most important question tonight is who will get annoying faster: Seth MacFarlane or the cast of Les Miserables?

Ms. MCD: I'm feeling very nervous about the lines Seth is comfortable crossing. Nothing is more uncomfortable than watching thousands of people feel uncomfortable.

MCD: I feel compelled, after this musical number about boobs, to ask whether children watch the Oscars?

RW: That is a very good question. Parents obviously don’t want their kids listening to a song celebrating boobs. The producers of the show are turning off a whole bunch of people with that song. How many American men are excited to hear the words, "Ladies and Gentlemen, the Los Angeles Gay Men's Chorus?"

RW: The look on Naomi Watts' face during the song was almost enough to make me feel bad about seeing her topless. Almost.

MCD: We’re only 10 minutes in and I’m already sort of tired of the Seth-MacFarlane-likes-to-be-offensive theme. Let's move on to the MOVIES perhaps?

RW: You say that, but you have no idea how much Les Miserables there's about to be. So much singing Russell Crowe...

MCD: Only Tina and Amy could temper the pain of endless Les Mis. I hope the audience has limitless liquor.

RW: That's the beauty of the Golden Globes. Everybody is hammered because they're sitting at tables. The Oscars is basically a six hour movie in a really old theatre. Does that sound fun to you?

MCD: Only with liquor.

RW: Dear God, why is William Shatner here? This can't possibly go well.

The Coliseum: Nicolas Cage

Written by TJ Keeley, Brian O'Donnell, and Ryan Weisert

A solitary figure trudges down a dark tunnel. Behind him, his entire life - his entire career - lies stripped and naked for all to see and judge. Ahead, both the proverbial light and music await him. As he takes each successive step, alone and in the dark, he thinks back over all the people he has been. All the identities he has assumed. Some lauded, some mocked, some so bat-shit insane they came to define him and, ultimately, destined him to walk down this very tunnel. As he nears the end, he hears the noise of the crowd. The clamor, like a bitter cocktail, is a mix raucous cheers and boisterous judgment. His ears drink it down like a condemned man at his last meal. The taste is sweet, yet fleeting, for soon nothing will taste anymore. His life has been a series of stories, characters, and haircuts which have all led him to this place.
He steps into the light and noise of the crowd intensifies. He manages the star's smile and wave. The din of the crowd persists but for a moment, and then a single voice rises above and bullies the crowd into silence. The voice booms, "Hello Nicolas Cage. Welcome to The Coliseum."

Editor’s Note: The Coliseum is a column we’ll be posting on a semi-regular basis. The idea behind it is simple. Take a group of movies, actors, characters, or athletes with a common theme and pit them against one another in a gladiator-style battle to the death. Spectavius writers nominate and vote for their favorites. Whichever nominee garners the most votes, survives The Coliseum and earns the title of champion. As is fitting for a competition this ridiculous, we picked “The Most Awesomely Bad Nicolas Cage Movies” as our first topic for The Coliseum. We hope you enjoy. Scroll over content underlined in red for additional commentary.

There is no actor who can go between extremes quite like Nicolas Cage. When he is on, he can be incredible. When he goes for the paycheck or tries to play the action hero, God help us all. Because our culture has learned to embrace a train wreck, his movies tend to do well at the box office, or at least better than they deserve to do. I’m not knocking him for taking these big-paycheck action roles, but most serious, talented actors realize when they are selling themselves short and cashing in. They tend to take it down a few notches like a professional athlete in a charity softball game or George Clooney in Ocean’s Twelve. Cage seems to take every role very seriously. He is honestly invested in each and every one of the schlock fests on this list. This is the reason why so many people will watch and love his truly awful movies: Cage never phones it in. So here is the list the Spectavius Staff has compiled for your reading and mocking pleasure…

Happy Endings and the DVR Test

Written by Ryan Weisert

Happy Endings is the best comedy on TV.

Yes, I said it. I can only imagine the ire and vitriol boiling up inside devotees of the The Office, Parks and Recreation, How I Met Your Mother, and Big Bang Theory upon reading that statement. But before you all decide to get your mob on and chase me with flaming copies of TV Guide, take a breath and hear me out. Happy Endings is well worth your time.

What makes this an outlandish statement, aside from the show’s competition on other networks, is the fact that such a great comedy is on ABC. Three years ago, the best ABC could muster in the comedy department was Ugly Betty and the wretched 9^th season of Scrubs where Zach Braff and some of the Sacred Heart gang returned to teach Med School. But then something incredible happened. ABC took a massive, Home Run Derby-style swing with a show called Modern Family. The show was a massive success both in terms of ratings and awards haul. Modern Family readied the ground at ABC like a cover crop, making the soil fertile enough for Happy Endings to blossom.